Utterance Incarnate
by HeavensBells
Summary: Sometime during The Riddle, when Maerad and Cadvan aren't getting along so well, Maerad falls into a raging river. Cadvan saves her and they finally discover what their feelings for each other really mean. Based on the Pellinor series by Alison Croggon.
1. Death and Life

Maerad had accepted the fact that she was going to die. As the water devoured her, each tide and rush and pull, each violent new flow or motion of the river, that pulled her down into near oblivion, had made her consider what she would regret in life. Hem's face flashed through her mind, every scowl, every smile, every knowing glance he threw her way. She would regret the limited time spent with her brother, wishing that it could have been a whole lifetime. A real family. She would regret many things. She would regret that she hadn't found the Treesong, and defeated the Nameless for the saving of all the world. They would all have lives like hers had been, now, only there would be no Cadvan for them, no escape, unless a ruthless murder was an escape. She would regret not doing all things done in her unlived life, the life she could have had if only she had survived. She would regret not getting to know the people better whom she had so far met. She would regret never getting to go back to Innail. She would regret how she had delt with Dernhil. She would regret the many wrong and bad things she had done, but would not allow herself to make a list, since there was no time, no time before she would slip away forever. Most of all, she thought, she would regret something to do with Cadvan. What was it? She knew. She would regret never telling him how she really cared for him, never _showing _him that love. She felt a wave of sorrow and longing as she struggled not to breath in, and then, unconsciousness suddenly swept over her, as if she had been spared the shock of the burning pain of drowning, dying just before he was about to give in. The warm arms of death seemed to lift her up, and then, there was nothing.

Cadvan swam as hard as he could in the gushing currents of the river flow. He had never used his physical strength so in his life. Maerad had to be here, somewhere. He had seen her fall off of Imi, into the river. He had seen her body being spun violently around in some kind of current, her arms flailing wildly above her submersed head. Her head popping up moments later spluttering and gasping for breath and attempting to scream his name. He had never been more terrified in his life when he jumped in after her, and she had disappeared from the surface. The rain didn't help. Finally he saw a figure in the water and he knew it was her, but he had to get to her without the river swallowing him in defiance, he said a quick prayer in his head, to _anything _ that was out there, and that heard him, and that had the power to change this, for her not to drown, for her to be safe, for it to not be too late.

Cadvan struggled to the shore, pulling Maerad's flopping body to a patch of grass, and, hovering over her with tears stinging his eyes, he began to pump his hands on her chest. He covered her mouth with his and blew air, then pumped her chest again. He did this over and over again, never losing hope. He would not let himself believe that she was dead when he had been close, so close. When she might have died two seconds before he got to her. He couldn't bare the thought of her being dead, let alone that it was all because of two seconds. He thought of how much he'd hate himself forever for not being able to cure the loneliness he knew she felt everyday, for not being softer with her, for not being everything she needed, for not telling her and showing her how he really felt, how much he really care and in the _many ways _that he really cared.

Maerad felt herself become almost aware. Suddenly, nothing became something. Am I dead? She thought. Then she felt something on her mouth, but it was as if her mouth was very far away from wherever she was. All she knew in that moment, was that it felt as if some supernaturally good being was breathing air back into her lungs, and was putting life back into her, bringing her back, her mind, her body, her soul, everything. It also felt as if that supernatural being was kissing her at the same time, kissing her with soft, warm, gentle, firm lips. Lips so pleasant she wondered if she had passed into some kind of higher existence, something better than the life she had just left that she had a hard time remembering at the moment. Like heaven. And then the mouth was gone, and there was a punching, pushing, pressure on her chest, and then she felt the pain, burning cold pain as she coughed up river water, as someone's hands lifted her to a sitting position, and as all memories flooded back to her, and she knew exactly who she was and why she was here.

Relief flooded through Cadvan like nothing he had ever felt before. He had never known that he could feel this relieved about anything, ever. Perhaps because he had never been. But now he was, and Maerad was alive. When he saw her eyes flutter and heard her choking sounds as the water came up from her mouth, he felt like nothing in the world could be more important than what had just happened. He realized that he was crying tears of relief and was glad for the rain.

Maerad looked at Cadvan as she gasped in the limited air of a rainy night. He was _crying._ She realized. And then she cried, too, throwing her arms around him and squeezing him as tight as her weak arms allowed her. His embrace was unsheltered, and he hugged her back with equal force. They stayed like that for a long time.

Maerad broke the silence, still holding onto him, shivering in the cold. "I th-thought I was going t-to die... I th-thought your ar-arms were t-taking me to th-the Gates, and that y-your mouth was some kind of angel... b-breathing me int-to the afterlife... all I could think w-was... w-what I'd r-regret... H-Hem... the T-Treesong... Innnnnail... y-you... n-never having a family th-that llloves me... that j-just wants me for me and n-nothing e-else...", she cried more and buried her face on his wet shoulder.

"Ssshhhh... now, now, Maerad," Cadvan said softly, stroking her head, "don't speak such nonsense, girl." He continued in the speech. _I am your family, Maerad. I do love you for you and I'm sorry that I haven't made myself clear. You are my family. If there was no Treesong, no reason for us to be doing all this, I would still want you with me, because I'm selfish and I want you with me no matter what. I care for you too much, even, and I don't know exactly what it means other than the fact that I'd do anything to keep you with me, terrible, despicable things, Maerad, I would attempt to do impossible things, and I would die if it meant that you could be safe, and happy, and not miserable, like I've let you been for these past months. I'm so sorry. I have loved many people, Maerad, whether family, or friend, or lover, but I know that never have I had the feelings for any of them as I have for you. I didn't know it was possible to care this much. I need you to understand this because if you EVER FALL OFF THAT HORSE AND INTO A RIVER AGAIN, SO HELP ME..._

Maerad comprehended all this as he said it in her mind. Each new word brought another _wonderful, _ yet unidentifiable feeling through her chest. Her fingers were numb. But when he was done, and he was holding her even tighter than before, she knew what those feelings were. _Cadvan, oh Cadvan, I don't know what my feelings for you mean either, and I've been bitter about that for a long time now, which was unfair to you, you did nothing to deserve that. All I know is I've never felt this strongly for anyone before, and the only people I've ever loved were people who either died when I was too young to understand, or were absent from most of my life. I'd do anything to stay with you, too, and that scares me, because I know that you are right, that there is something in me that is dangerous that even I am unaware of. Something that you have seen, something that others have seen, I've seen it in their faces when they observe me, something bad. I want to be all goodness. I want you to stay with me. I want to be your family, and feel like your family. I love you so much._

Cadvan's tears stopped falling, as his relieved breathing started to go back to normal. Her confession had made him feel as if all was right in the world again. She pulled away from him slowly, not letting herself release him fully yet.

"We need to move, and you need rest," Cadvan said over the sounds of wind and rain.


	2. The Results Of Her Almost Death

It was almost freezing outside. Maerad knew this, because the rain soaking through her clothes was starting to feel stiff and slightly frosty. She felt so cold that she thought she might be losing consciousness soon when Cadvan stopped and rode up to her, yelling through the pouring rain.

"We have to s-ssstop and find shelter before the rain f-freezes! It wont do for us to freeze our extremeties", he shouted, shaking violently. At least now she _knew _ for sure that he was looking for a place to stop. It gave her a little hope and she started to feel like maybe she could tolerate the chill in her bone and the shake of her brain for just a little longer.

It seemed like forever, but Cadvan finally took a sharp left through the trunks of the forest. She obediently followed, unable to think about anything but the cold and how much she needed to get out of it.

After winding through the trees for several minutes, there was a large rock ridge that had a crack large enough for a horse to walk through that led into a dark crevice. They stopped and dismounted their horses. Cadvan stopped just under the shelter of the rock above, and lit something that Maerad was unable to see from her position in the rain, and with Darsor between them. He then proceeded through the tunnel. It seemed to turn, and then wind around and then go a long way before Cadvan stopped in front of a great door made of wood. The whole passage was blocked, the wood was attached to the rock somehow, and Cadvan spoke some word under his breath that Maerad could not hear, and the door opened. He led them into a large cavern, with another cavern off the side of it.

"This i-is one of the nicer places r-reserved for t-traveling Bards", he told Maerad, still shaking, soaked and frozen to the bone. He motioned for them to lead the horses into the other cavern. They did this, and Cadvan lit a fire where there was a little pile of dry wood reserved for just that. They fed the horses some grain, shaking all the while, and then removed their packs, taking them into the other room with them. The first thing Cadvan did was light another fire where there was another nice little pile of sticks and logs. Maerad was now shivering so bad she had a hard time undoing her wet clothes.

She was beginning to get frustrated, when she swayed and there were dark spots all over her vision, she breathed in air but it didn't register the way it was supposed to. It did nothing for her. "Maerad!", Cadvan's voice sounded somewhere far off. And then she felt arms around her, shaking, yet strong and sure.

Cadvan laid Maerad down on the ground, lowering her easily as he knelt, one hand behind her head and the other around her waste. She instantly felt that she could breathe again, and wasn't going to pass out. She opened her eyes shakily. "Cadvan..."

"Oh, Maerad, your breathing isn't normal", he had his hand on her chest, examining her breathing and her heartbeat, normally it would have made her uncomfortable for him to have his hand in this particular spot, but right now she didn't care about a thing, "and your heartbeat is extremely irregular. You need to get warm."

Cadvan started to get up, but Maerad grabbed him by his shirt in protest. "Cadvan, I'm sshh-shaking ssssso b-b-bad. Can yyyou hhelp mme take off mmy wwwett cclotthhes?"

He paused for only a moment, something flashing across his face that Maerad had never seen on him before, but pushed his thoughts aside and stood her up, helping her out of her freezing cold garments. Once his hand brushed her bare skin, and Maerad felt a rushing feeling go through her. It was so warm. Compared to everything else. And it had been_ against _ her, his hand. It had felt so good. Cadvan peeled the last of her clothes off, leaving her stark raving naked in the middle of the cave. She stood there shivering, seeming to fold into herself. He quickly averted his eyes, pulling her blanket from her bag and wrapping it around her. She didn't feel any warmer. Cadvan then began to take off his own clothes, shedding them so quickly Maerad couldn't look away. She saw his whole body, all of him, and something in her stirred again. It was hard not to stare at his perfectly sculpted muscles and the way his skin held tautly over them. And his stance. There was something about the way he stood that made her go crimson even when she was on the brink of hypothermia. She stared at his back, the muscles moving, the arch of his spine and the curvature at his sides until he pulled a dry, but still very cold shirt over his head. She flinched and looked away, feeling strange. With his back to her, he hadn't seen her looking at him and was oblivious to her newly curious and admiring glances. He stirred the fire and then walked back to her.

"Maerad, are you feeling a bit better yet?" He asked her.

"Nnno. I'm jjust aas ccccold as I wwwas before." Maerad told him.

"We're out of medhyl, damn it to hell!", he said angrily, then calmed down and added, "I'll get your clothes." He turned to look in her bag but was stopped by her hand grabbing his.

She pulled him closer, placing his hand against her cheek. She leaned against it like it was the only thing keeping her alive. Cadvan melted and stepped closer to her, letting his unemotional facade fly out the door again as he had done earlier when he had pulled her out of the water.

"Your skin is sso warm," she said softly. And then she looked up. Their eyes met and locked in some sort of magnetic forcefield of rushing fire and lightning, wind and shadow, dark and light, sending feelings through both of them that only one of them understood. It wasn't Maerad. She was still shaking when Cadvan closed the distance between them, pulling her body against his and leading her closer to the fire, where they would be between the wall and the fire. He picked her up bridal style, sitting down with her in his lap, putting his arms around her and tucking the blanket around her cold, unmoving feet. She rested her head on his shoulder. They both still shook.

"Are you hungry at all, Maerad?"

"No."

"Me either."

"Cadvan, I'm so tired. I'm sso tttired and I... I...", she started to feel dizzy again.

"Alright", Cadvan said softly as he laid her down again, this time laying with her, brushing the wet hair from her brow to behind her ear. "Hold on", he whispered to her as he reached for his bag, getting out his own blanket and fanning it out on the floor in what looked to him like the softest spot. He then got up and moved her here, laying her body on the blanket not far from the fire, and laid himself down next to her. This time he didn't keep his arms around her. She had her eyes closed but she rolled them, nonetheless, and reach out to pull herself closer. He obliged by taking her in his arms as she pressed the side of her face to his upper chest, she greedily wishing that their skin had direct contact. _Wait. Why not? I don't even care. _She was still shaking, and so was he.

When she wriggled under his embrace, and began pulling the blanket she had wrapped around herself from under her, Cadvan was overcome with several feelings at once. Panic, concern, confusion, dread, desire, and guilt. The strongest of them all being the desire. The rest were all there, just less manifested at the time being. And now her blanket was wrapped around him, with her completely naked body pressed against him. She wrapped her arms underneath his and held to his back, pressing her cheek where it had been before, his chin resting on the top of her head, his hands now under the blanket, holding around her lower back. _Against her naked skin, _ he thought wickedly, feeling guilty for it right away. And then she put the bottoms of her feet on top of his, rubbing back and forth gently, getting the warmth back in her limbs. It was driving him _crazy _and he was now trying with all his might not to get excited. His breathing deepened and became more uneven, and too fast. He was going to give himself away any minute when-

"Cadvan..", Maerad groaned in a protesting tone. Her hands moved to the front of his loose shirt, pushing the fabric all over his hard chest, looking for a way to remove it, "Your skin... yourr sskin... it's so warm, it's so warm and I'm still so ccc-cold...", she said feverishly.

_Does she have any idea what she's doing to me? _He thought as it became even harder to distract himself with her hands, insistent upon him, moving to find the hem of his shirt. She found it and pulled up slowly, her hands still very shaky. He winced with secret delight as her freezing hands grazed up his sides, removing the garment from him. He was in a trance now, and he obediently lifted his arms for her. _Stop thinking like that you idiot, she's just cold, she has no idea what she's doing to you, you sick, sick man, _Cadvan thought internally battling with himself. He began wrapping his arms back around her but she put her hands to his chest, pushing him away. She only managed to confuse him for a split second before her hands made their way to the clasp of his pants, attempting to undo it when-

"_Maerad, no!" _Cadvan said urgently, taking her hands and moving them away from his pants. Their eyes met and locked. She looked at him fiercely, her eyes piercing him to his very soul, and in that moment he knew that he would do anything for her. He slowly let go of her hands, never looking away from the deep blue depths of her eyes, reminding him of her drowning figure, as her hands moved back to his pants. She got them halfway down with her hands and then kicked the rest off with her feet. Every move, every touch, every graze of her skin was a struggle for Cadvan. She then snuggled up against him, his warmth engulfing her. He had to admit, he felt warmer, too. _Much warmer. _ He felt like he _should_ say something. After all, their naked bodies were pressed flush together.

But Cadvan, being more modest than Maerad, didn't dare say a word, and tried his hardest to keep his face expressionless, and his mind free from fantasy. He was failing miserably. Maerad had never felt him so tense before, and she knew that he was going through some sort of an internal struggle with himself. Now, Maerad was not ignorant. She knew about the physical needs of men, how hard it would be for most men to lay naked with a woman without having those needs. But she had felt so comfortable with Cadvan, and trusted him so, that she failed to think of this before practically ripping his clothes off in order to steal his warmth. And now that she thought of it, she couldn't _stop _ thinking about it.

She became aware of his hands pressed against the small of her back, and remembered the way the man from the Cot who had tried to have his way with her had grabbed her, the way he touched her with his hands. It was nothing like Cadvan's touch. Cadvan's touch was careful, hesitant, and a bit guilty, though he had nothing to feel guilty about. Then all of her senses heightened and she became aware of every rise and fall of Cadvan's muscular chest as he breathed in and out, aware of the gradually increasing beats of his heart, and every part of him that was touching her, not just the warmth coming from those parts. She also noticed that Cadvan was burning hot, in a certain region, but she just assumed that that was normal. She found herself imagining his hands, his hands sliding down her back and gripping her from behind, and shuddered. Cadvan didn't notice this, since she was already shivering. A wave of something pure and hot and wanting passed through her lower belly. In her mind she let herself see his mouth crushed against the skin by her mouth as his hands clasped her hips and his body arched and grinded against her, his head moving down and his mouth trapping one taut, hardened nipple in his warm mouth, his hot tongue flicking against it as she cried out and threw her head back in the throws of ecstasy. She didn't realize until something triggered her awareness that she had let out a little muffled groan of longing. Her cheeks went red and became hot pools of guilt on her face. _This thinking would make Cadvan very uncomfortable, _ she thought to herself and attempted to push the fantasies away. Why was she thinking this way now? Was it because of their earlier confessions that she felt close to him, and longed to get closer?

Meanwhile Cadvan imagined the silk of her skin as he let his hands and mouth wander free over her, her body writhing and pulsing with sheer pleasure as he drove himself into her harder and harder, her screams and moans, her mouth and lips on him, everwhere, her hands digging into him, her legs clinging desperately as he gave her something she had never had before. And then, as he imagined her coming, the real Maerad let out a muffled moaning sound, which, to Cadvan's ear, sounded... _wanting. _ _Stop!_ He told himself. He thought that Maerad felt warmer in a certain... area, and that her heart was beating faster, but he chalked it up to his wishful and _sick, twisted _ imagination.

Maerad couldn't push her fantasies away, and now there was a deep and powerful urge, a longing in her, it had started with the flipping feeling in her belly when she had been fantasizing about Cadvan, and gone completely awry since then. It had permeated her whole body, but mostly between her legs, and in her chest where her heart beat wildly and there was a feeling like some arm of her heart was reaching as far as it could, ready to fall to the depths from whatever window it was leaning out of, ready for the crushing pain of hitting bottom, yet hoping for the soft cushioning of mutual reaching arms. She yearned for him, and somehow she felt him countering the feelings, or maybe that was her imagination. But she didn't want it to be. She was so... hot and so _ready._ She had never wanted anything so badly in any one moment in her life as she wanted Cadvan right now in this very instant. She finally exited her thoughts, returning to the present reality, and realized that his breathing, as well as her breathing, had sped up significantly, their chests rising and falling frantically in similar timing. And then, unmistakably, his hands pushed her harder against him, and she felt the side of his face against the side of her forehead, her lips nearly grazing his bare chest as she gasped and heard a gasp escape from Cadvan's mouth as well. She felt the corner of his lips against her forehead, so warm, so tender, so right, his warm breath tingling her ear and the senses in her entire body along with it.

And that was when something took her over, and her leg locked around his, clinging there and melding their bodies together. Cadvan's hand quickly found her hip and grasped as his eyes slammed shut and a slightly pained expression washed over his features. He pulled her head back gently, and their lips crashed halfway, locking in a blissful, passionate kiss of longing and trust. The moment froze and then seemed to continue in slow motion as his lips slowly moved against hers, opening and locking again on hers, _in hers,_ it seemed. She moved her hands to his chest and his stomach, pushing him onto his back. She intensified the kiss, sucking on his lower and upper lips so hard, and then pushing against them both so hard, almost bruising him, spreading her legs grinding her lower self against him, showing him what she wanted. What she _needed. _From him, and only him. She felt him galvanize against her, hot and hard, and her blood started to sing in every vein of her body.

When Maerad's tongue captured him, and she then kissed him again with just her lips, making it the longest and most passionate kiss so far, some kind of sound escaped from Cadvan's chest, and reverberated to her mouth from his, an argumentative moan that sounded as if he had just been punched and liked it, it was protest and guilt, it was surrender and approval.

Cadvan's hands were suddenly stronger against her, and he flipped her around onto her back so quickly and so gently she had no time to react, so she just kept kissing him. He broke the kiss and traveled hungry kisses down her face, neck, and chest as his hands clung to her hips. When his mouth engulfed one of Maerad's hard, pulsing nipples, sucking and nibbling gently, she let out a moan that was something from Cadvan's wildest dreams. He became undone now, moving his hand to her entrance, feeling how much she wanted him all over her inner thighs. This made him buck slightly against her and she thought she might cry out a sound of joy as she bucked against him harder, putting her mouth on his jaw and kissing and sucking all over his chest. Cadvan stopped her, taking her face in his hand and crushing his lips to hers, opening her mouth with his tongue and moving his against hers as their tongues slowly caressed each other with equal fervor. The fire in Maerad's belly now burned so deep she couldn't take it. She pulled out of the kiss.

"Give it to me, _now!"_ Maerad begged with her eyes closed, hands grasping to Cadvan's back.

"Are you sure, Maerad?" Cadvan almost felt as if he was about to blow right there, seeing the flush of her cheeks and her writhing, gasping form beneath him, begging him to take her, giving him no good reason to stop when he could think of a hundred, kissing him and pressing herself against him in ways that made him want her so bad... and he did... he wanted her... so, so badly... and he _knew _it was bad, and he wanted her anyway.

"Yes!" she almost screamed at him for being so stupid, and then forgave him right away. "You know me, I wouldn't do this unless I was really ready, and right now, I've never wanted anything more... I need you."

Cadvan pressed his palm against her lower stomach, and whispered something into her skin. There was a flash of light, Magery. She was sure it was meant to prevent pregnancy. And then he put his lips against her ear and whispered, "Not because it would be a bad thing, but for you, that you have enough to bear at this time already-"

She kissed him with a force that suggested she didn't care right now, and he knew he had done the right thing. He kissed her back. His hands suddenly changed on her, he held her at her hips, but now his thumbs traced slow circles on her hot, silken skin. There was something between them that seemed to lift them up and put more friction and energy between them. She realized that it was her body knowing what was about to happen, anticipation. Cadvan felt it, too.

Then he thrust into her. She bit her lip. She had thought it would hurt. She expected it to hurt. But it didn't hurt. Cadvan's thrusts were so gentle at first, his longing showing all over him, that she felt only the sheer pleasure of having him deep inside her, and sooner than she thought, she was begging him to go harder.

"Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Cadvan!!", she screamed as he never let up inside her.

He pushed in and out, fast and slow, back and forth, one step at a time, giving her all that she needed, when she needed it, the way she needed it.

"Ohhh, Cad...", he lunged in. She arched against him.

"Ohhh, Maerad!", he pulled out. She moved with him.

"Cadvan!", he pounded in.

"Maeraddd...", he pulled out.

"Aaaaahhhhhh...Ooooohhhhh...mmyyyy...", Maerad wailed as he thrusted and pounded, pulsing and swelling and bursting and busting, grunting and gasping, and panting and fussing.

Again and again she moaned and he groaned, their pressures building higher and tighter, so ecstatic it was all just seconds from bursting and unwinding, falling into the oblivion of letting go and holding on, releasing while binding, of flying while on solid ground. And Cadvan was Maerad's solid ground, and she his, the love they made together their flight, their wonderful, beautiful flight that felt so splendid.

And then she came, and he came, and her walls clenched and tightened and convulsed and gyrated, and it felt like the body of the arm that had reached from her heart for Cadvan as far as possible had fallen, and falling felt so good. And then he caught her in his arms, and he felt the falling too, only this time they caught each other, balancing together as he erupted and blasted, blazing and exploding inside her. They screamed together and surrendered further into the pleasure of this freezing cold night, both of them now soaked in beautiful loving heat and sweat, kissing and nibbling, grasping and clinging, rocking and kneading.

"Do we know what it means now?", she asked him teasingly, panting.

"What?" he panted, finally stilling.

"Our feelings for each other, do we know what they mean now?", she asked, knowing the answer already.

Cadvan paused and just breathed heavily, still on top of her, and kissed her neck gently. "Yes, I suppose we do...", he smiled against her skin.

She pressed her lips to his forehead, and held him there, right where he belonged, no matter how far they traveled.

Together they fit perfectly. The world was no more. There was only one place in all of existence, this cave, with just two people, indulging in the joy of their love and passion for one another in the throws of surrender and ecstasy.


End file.
